What not to do at a cocktail party
My husband and I had just arrived at a cocktail party. We were excited to get snazzed up and go to a party because life had been feeling pretty heavy lately. Spotting old friends we hadn’t seen in a while, I bounced over for a hug. “What’s new, Dolans?” our friend asked, and my husband and I both froze.
In the telepathy of a couple who have been together for much longer than we haven’t, the thoughts shot back and forth. “What do we say that won’t ruin the mood?” Neither of us came up with anything, so one of us shared a little of what our family is navigating. We definitely brought the mood down.
On the way home, we laughed a little, saying that before we go to another party, we definitely need to work on a better response to that most basic of questions. The thing is, of course we had other news to share. Life is never all heavy or all light. It’s always both. Yet, as we proved that night, we humans often need to make a conscious effort to include the positive. We have to allow ourselves to make space for joy. We have to work a little harder to keep our focus on the light.
Where our attention is, there we are
Since that conversation, (in no small part because I hope to get a little better at small talk), I’ve been quite deliberately looking for the light. Rolf Gates promises in his excellent book, Meditations from the Mat, “Wherever our attention is, that is where we are. … Place your attention on something, and it grows in your life.” It seems he is right. The light has not been hard to find at all. While looking for it hasn’t removed the hard stuff we’re navigating, it sure has helped to minimize its shadow.
The wonder of the everyday world
Here’s one small example. I have been mesmerized by a bird’s nest in the holly tree right outside my mudroom window. For about two weeks I watched a mother catbird carefully tend three incredibly tiny, bright blue eggs. A week ago, two of the eggs hatched! Now I’m captivated by Mama and Papa bird fluttering busily about gathering bugs and worms to feed their hungry babies who seem to double in size every night. When I watch for too long, Mama plops down right on top of them, which always makes me laugh out loud.
Every time I walk away from the window (which is a lot – I can’t help it!), I think to myself what a gift that birds’ nest is. It’s been a real-life happy pill! In fact, I know that when I think back on this time I will never not remember this little, precious gift from Mother Nature that has brightened my days for almost a month. This is something very newsworthy indeed.
The perfect answer to the question, “What’s new?” does not need to be such a special thing. Noticing brand-new fruit on my tomato plant makes me smile. The baby bunny that scoots in and out from under my hedge (who thankfully cannot reach my tomato plant – yet!) makes me laugh. The hilarious moment in an otherwise grueling day at the doctor with my dad is clearly the best opening line in that story.
This is not about pretending that only the good stuff exists
Finding light spots in shadowy times is not denying challenges. It’s not pretending everything is OK. It is a way of remembering that there is always (always!) more going on than the hard stuff you’re navigating. Yoga teaches us this same lesson whenever we step on our mat. Just because your teacher includes your least favorite posture (asana) in class, or because you toppled out of tree pose (Vrkasana) three times during the five breaths you were meant to hold it, doesn’t mean you had a bad practice any more than the fact that you’re facing a challenge means you have a bad life.
It’s about seeing – and accepting – the mystery that life is good and life is hard
Patanjali teaches about asana or the physical practice of yoga in only three verses (YS 2.46-48). In the last of these verses, he writes, “Then (when we have balanced effort and ease and relaxed all tension that comes from our effort), we will no longer be upset by the play of opposites.” We will no longer see things as either/or – either we succeed in the posture, or we fail in the practice; either we are able to focus, or we will not benefit from meditating.
The more we practice, the more we will be able to see things as both/and – I fell out of tree pose three times and I loved being in yoga class today; my dad and I spent all day at the doctor and we laughed the whole way home. Do you see the acceptance imbedded in this perspective? Do you see the freedom in this? That you can be struggling and something can still tickle your funny bone? That you can be failing and showing up is still worthwhile?
Which makes me think that our cocktail party “flop” was simply a real-life example of me falling out of tree pose. It doesn’t mean I should never take tree pose (i.e. go to a party) again. Each fall simply means I can and will be more mindful the next time I try. Which is all to say, don’t be scared to come up and say hello the next time you see me out in the world. While I may share a little about a struggle, I will also – because life is full of little treasures – share one of these with you. Promise!
“To wander in mundanity and get caught up in the mystery of it all.
As the world ends and the world begins again.
This is how I want to be. To live.
As everything happens.”
– Jed Myers, read his own poem on Kate Bowler’s podcast, Everything Happens
Then (when we have found steadiness and comfort and when we are able to relax the tension that comes from our effort to be steady), we will no longer be upset by the play of opposites. – Yoga Sutra 2.48